A Reservoir of Courage :: Accepting My Fertility

I have a confession to make—I haven’t exactly been taking a Back-to-School blogging sabbatical like I posted last week.  I mean I am, but I was more forced to.  You guessed it: I am pregnant again!

The truth is these last 3 weeks since we found out have been very hard on me.  It seems like only days after my positive pregnancy result, I started feeling the stress of morning sickness, tightening clothes (so much for my Summer Transformation Series), and depression!  Morning sickness to me feels like what someone must feel like after being ran over by a semi-truck.  My physical energy is totally drained and my mental energy is gone too.  I had hoped for a nice year long break from pregnancy to give my body and my sanity some recovery, but as it stands I will be enduring my fourth pregnancy in four years…literally.  I also had plans to grow my blog and decorating business, start that book, rock the homeschooling thing, and MY PLANS, Oh MY PLANS! 

I mean when do I get MY TIME?

Admittedly, I did this song and dance for the last three weeks—you know the one that looks like a total pity party!

Well, I am done, folks!  Today is the day I pack up the balloons and streamers and start looking upward instead of keeping my head hung low.  One of our priests helped me so much.  He put it so beautifully, “God has given you a reservoir of courage to live His plan for you.”  That was my “A-ha” moment; more of a much needed reminder really:

God didn’t put us here to live our will but His;

And my plans are really His plans; 

And my time is really His time.  

It’s amazing how much selfishness looks like depression or depression looks like selfishness.  It’s a deep dark hole that we put ourselves in because we lack true humility and gratitude.

Living TRUFEM (an authentically feminine life) is hard because it daringly asks us to trust in God’s plan for our fertility.  So even though I had me a little pity party, I wouldn’t trade my fertility for all the success and fun I could technically be having if I were kid free or not pregnant again.  I am living in accords with nature and it feels so right and beautiful.

Y’all, I am going to have 7 children!!!  Uh, how courageous is that?  How daring is that?

My favorite quote growing up was this one:

wood planks quote.jpg

For so many years, I truly believed this meant extracurricular, worldly pleasures like climbing to the top of Mt. Everest, or pursuing that new career or hobby, or making new friends in a new place.  Duh!  I got it!  It’s exactly what father said to me—it’s about daring to live an authentic life outside of yourself and the culture solely for the glory of God.  This is truly living.  This is where life has its greatest rewards.  This is the type of living that brings more joy and love to the world and makes the world a better place.  This is true fulfillment.  I mean how am I making the world a better place by climbing to Mt. Everest, or learning to scrapbook?  Those are me-centered activities.  Bearing children is God-centered and it is the most daring kind of life we can live.  Am I right?

So can I do this?  You bet, with God’s grace—I  can do this!  I will do this!  (Uh, I kinda have to do this, right?)  But because of that last one, I am choosing to throw myself a happily surprised party instead of the pity one.  So much less work.  It just takes a SMILE and HEART! 

Keep you posted on my due date.  I find out Thursday!